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Monday, March 28, 2011

Love is Hell

 Ever meet some one that you know is probably better than everyone else you have ever been with but for some reason just can't make yourself attracted to them? what the fuck kind of injustice is that? for almost 2 years i met my dream girl. beautiful tall and blonde. eyes neither blue nor green. a crazy personality that just couldn't be contained and the charming quirk that she had almost no shame of any kind lol.

     Well part of her allure was that she was gay. and apparently I'm the kind of idiot that finds the girls that are super difficult to get the most attractive. well after many months of trying being just friends with the occasional benefit since she had a knack for finding really crappy girlfriends. a fight occurred and when i thought i'd never see her again she calls me up to go get dinner with her and tells me she realized she was in love with me all along because the thought of not seeing me again was tearing her to pieces...

     Should have been a happily ever after. for a while it really seamed like it was. life was fucking grand. i had a decent job with decent pay. an '02 jet black mustang convertible, a beautiful nymphomaniac to parade around and a decent house with my best friend that even had an attached garage lol.

     Well life always finds a way to fuck you eh? college got messed up and i couldnt enroll the semester i planned on. so she was going alone. no big deal. well lo and behold she meets a "friend". just some random 27 year old nursing student living in her parents basement who still wears emo clothes and thinks shes unique because she owns a bottle of black nail polish. oh and shes gay... big surprise.

     I'm not the jealous type and i trust my girlfriend with my life so i don't even bat an eye about who she talks to or whatever even when she comes to me and asks me if I'm ok with it i just say "hun, i have no reason not to trust you. i know you know i love you and i know you love me so whats there to worry about?" well I'll tell you what there is to worry about. interfering bitches.

     My girlfriend and i spent so much time together that we didn't take time for our friends anymore and she had had a falling out with her best friend and was missing that connection pretty bad. my friends were just annoyed i was to busy for golf and video games once in a while. ADVICE: always take time for yourselves folks. its important to the health of the relationship. So when she said she was going over to this girls house i was just like "ok have fun babe. <kiss> love ya" and that was it.

     First time was no big deal. the second time though she came straight to my house afterwards and kind of early. shes being quiet and i just know something is wrong so i try to ask her but she doesn't want to talk about it and tries to avoid it. i take her into my room and we lay in bed talking about nothing cause at this point im just trying to relax her. suddenly she pounces on me and plants her face in my chest and starts sobbing quietly. i'm shocked and i ask her whats wrong but she cant answer and only shakes her head. i hold her tightly and and rub her back and start asking questions she can answer that way until i ask her "did she kiss you?" she shook her head yes.

     i don't even say a word as she cries herself out. i just hold her and kiss her cheek and tell her its ok and i love her. after a few minutes she looks me in the eyes and asks if i'm mad. how could i possibly be mad at the girl i love so much? i tell her "no of course i'm not mad. you came to me and told me right away and its clear you don't feel very good about it. i'm definitely not mad." she asks me "do you want me to not talk to her anymore? i'd understand. and i wouldn't even be upset if you asked me to never see her again."

     It is this moment i will probably regret for the rest of my life. what kind of idiot cant see the implications of this answer. i even said that to her at that moment "i have to think about this honey... how can i know that my answer right now either yes or no will take a path that drives us apart. do you really love me?" "more than anything" she replies "can i trust you?" "i swear to you i wont leave you for her" she says. i respond " darling thats only true until it isnt true anymore and then it means nothing..."

     and my mistake.... "i trust you honey. you can still see her. i know you need a friend. just try not to kiss her ok?"

     oh sure she hugged me and we kissed and made promises of love and trust and it was all... pointless. i have no idea how i should have handled the series of events. all i know is that a few weeks later just after a half-iversary (yeah we were lame like that) she becomes silent and distant but wont say why. i may be an idiot but i'm not blind. one Saturday night after a day spent with her family we leave the party early to go watch a movie at her house. we sit on separate couches. i have intentionally not held her hand once all day. it hurts me but i had to be sure. the movie ends. i kneel on the floor beside her as she lays on the couch and i try to hug her but she barely responds. i ask her to talk but she only says she doesn't want to. she sounds cold. her parents have already come home and gone to bed. its time for me to leave. i walk to the door and put my shoes on. waiting for a hug and a good bye kiss. she comes to me and when she puts her arms around me i hug her extra tight and whisper into her ear. "angel.... i was your best friend before we started dating. i've been your best friend all along..... and i swear i'll stay your best friend after...." she breaks down into tears and we spend a few hours finally talking again. it hasn't really hit me just yet.... but i know it will soon. she says she wants to be there for me when it does and tells me that she loves me so much but she needs a break to sort things out. i dont hold the notion for a moment that it will be temporary. we hold eachother crying and kissing and making promises.... she says she'll come see me at my place the next morning and begs me not to do anything stupid on the ride home. she swears nothing will change just that we wont be having sex for a while (i would have given it up forever at this moment and nearly say so but i stop myself because it seems pathetic to even think that something as trivial as sex would matter when i really know that im losing my future with her)

     i ask for one last kiss as i walk to my car. she kisses me and hugs me and says its not the last.... but it really is the last REAL kiss.

     we tried to stay friends. for a while i didnt want to be but she did. and then she decided she didnt want to be and i realized how much it hurt to hear that and flipped back completely for the worse. it didn't help that in this period of time i was a completely insane asshole. being manipulative and pushing buttons i knew would hurt her. it was jealousy. i hated that she was happy even a little while i was in agony dying to talk to her but knowing i couldn't because she was busy with... her. it tears me up inside even today. almost 6 months later and i swear on my grandfather's grave not a day has gone by i dont still think of her.

     but i guess she's happier now. i don't think i was a very good boyfriend but i really don't know. i had a tendency to be late showing up and i feel like the last month or two of our relationship i wasn't trying as hard as once had. that was one promise i made to her i never wanted to break. that i would always try my hardest for her.

     like i said though... she's happier now. or at least i hope so.

     she left me for that girl she had known for less than a month... they got engaged two months later...

she had said once that she felt like her world had fallen apart when we broke up but that everything had fallen back into place and was alot better now. i dont think she knew how much it hurt to hear that but i smiled anyways. thats the thing about loving some one. even when you feel like hell, seeing them happy can still put a smile on you face. read some shit that said "how do you know when you found true love?" and the answer was "when you realize you lost it" truest god damn thing i have ever heard.

     well i was severely depressed after all this and i still don't feel like my old self but somehow i found motivation in all of it. im weird like that i guess. so i turned it around and got myself in pretty great shape. 6 foot tall and now im 195 pounds of primarily muscle and bone. fat content is dropping slow but steady. moved back home and went full time student. i made a lot of new friends and i have it pretty good now i guess. quit my job to start a better one but... things got screwed up with that so i'm on the hunt again. met a girl who treats me with a lot of respect and is probably a better match for me based on her attitude and lack of mood swings and such but i'm jut not clicking with her. shes pretty and honest and smart and courteous and fun. but it just doesn't work.

     in closing if you took the time to read this please feel free to leave your opinion/advice/rage/whatever. i'd like to hear it all actually.

18 comments:

  1. Hang in there mate - time heals and all of that, but moving on is the key. All the best!

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  2. Good luck with that, we all go through it sometime

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  3. Life goes on.. everytime you're lucky, you'll get kicked in the balls later.

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  4. Love and life is a tough thing. You think you found the one you're going to spend your life with and it just slips from your fingers.

    Adam is right though, time heals all wounds. Just keep on keeping on and keep your chin up.

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  5. i didn't really mean to sound quite so dramatic. i guess remembering it made me write that way. i think I've moved on about as much as possible but i don't ever want to put the experience behind me. its made me a much better guy.

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  6. Love it hard...but it's worth it sometimes...

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  7. That's crazy man. Stick with it though.

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  8. Oh, yeah. I'm definitely following you. Please keep writing! :)

    My first love hit me hard, and hit me harder when it ended, so this really hit home.

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  9. Women: can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.

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  10. Wow that was a great story, I will be following you for sure,

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  11. Well, first off, I'm sorry man. Sometimes being a girl really makes me annoyed for girls like these. You sounded like you were great to her, and to be mean and upset afterwards is pretty normal, its just tension and feelings getting in the way of friendship. Thats why friendships after relationships normally don't work. It's good you have seemed to move on. My boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago...and I met somebody new two weeks ago...didn't feel a connection though. I know what you mean exactly. He was a nice guy, and we actually did have stuff in common. But I didn't ever catch myself thinking about him or wanting to see how he was, and from that point I knew I could never feel the same things for him as I did with my ex. Its tough, but hopefully we'll both find somebody eventually :)

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  12. I sincerely thank you for that response roygbiv. it's really a bummer when that happens... thats putting it pretty mildly i guess but what i really mean is how frustrating it is to see what you should want and know would treat you well but have no draw to them. i find that i'm forcing myself into this new relationship in hopes ill finally click with her but i'm hesitant because it hasn't happened yet and the last thing i want to do is run roughshod over her feelings trying to figure myself out. i wish you the best of luck finding the right one. i hope your ex regrets his loss :)

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  13. I take it being poly was out of the question? That may have solved a lot of potential issues. But then again, hindsight is 20/20.

    Followed.
    bigunicorn.blogspot.com

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  14. eh we were both all or none kind of people. if i couldn't have her wholeheartedly then i didn't really have her. She is the same way. Not so much a question of sexuality but more where the heart is. she always said even the whole time we were together that she was still lesbian to everyone in the world but me. and think what you will but that girl never once lied to me. shit just didn't work out.

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  15. @Big Unicorn: To me poly sometimes sounds like an utopia.

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  16. @Stromatose- Just wanted to say that maybe you should not pursue somebody you don't have 'real' feelings for. Trying to force feelings doesn't really help. I tried doing it and all it did was make me unhappy and drive me away - so I guess what I'm saying is, while you are spending time with a person who you don't have real feelings for, you might be missing out on the person who you might have real feelings for.

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  17. @roygbiv- i know your right about that. i was trying to give it an adequate amount of time before i made up my mind. we been seeing each other for about a month but taking things very slowly. She is a really nice girl and so i had hoped maybe things would change but... not so far. i feel like hell though cause she has had a really rough time with most guys. just want to make sure i gave it a good chance. but yes i agree with what your saying. i should find a way to sort things out soon.

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