um...

     So here is something to ponder. what do you do when your father, a symbol of invincible might your entire life, is instantly reduced to needing help standing up or putting his shoes on over night. Dad was the coach to nearly every sports team i was ever on and has always been capable of incredible feats of strength.
     For a long time he worked as a blacksmith/farrier which is a pretty intensely physical job. Particularly because he dealt with a lot of large stables where people kept show horses and race horses in the later portion of his career he had to maintain his considerable strength to manage the massive draft horses and the tall musclebound racers.
     Well as he hit 45 he decided it was time for a less strenuous job since his joints had become prone to painful reactions from what was believed to be a simple case of gout.( uloric acid crystallizing on joints but controllable by diet and rest ) he went to a specialist school and got his class-A CDL and became a truck driver working for a local building supplies delivery service. pretty decent job but a lot of hours. but that is besides the point.
     One day just this last week on the job while carrying a 50 pound bag of cement he stepped into a hole in the as yet unfinished driveway causing the weight to hammer him down and to the side causing considerable stress to his spine and hips. next day while trying to relax the injury he suffers temporary paralysis and collapses. we call an ambulance and they get him taken care of and off to a hospital. no big deal. he seemed fine.
     Over the next few days and visits to many different doctors and specialists it turns out he has rheumatoid arthritis at a very advanced level. the recent injury has caused it to attack in full force and he no longer has any quantifiable strength to speak of in his right hand nor stability in his left knee along with many other smaller points. hes on 7 different prescriptions and still taking tests to determine the extent of the affliction it may not be known to everyone but rheumatoid arthritis has a form that can actually attack organs, the lungs in particular, and while this hasn't yet been diagnosed his recent rapid weight loss and slight change of voice don't give us a whole lot of confidence.
     The amount of stress in my household has become a threat to everyone as we each find new ways to piss one another off. the problem only exacerbated by his company terminating his employment during an open workman's compensation case (illegal so I'm told... know any good lawyers?)

tomorrow

gotta work on some stuff and also get to sleep... but tomorrow i have a good post planned. Saturday i got dragged to the RUSH concert in cleveland.... which was actually a blast... from the nose bleed section but hey it was last minute and we were still there so whatever. night

Coincidence

Remember back in high school? back when every little thing mattered so much cause what else do you have to worry about when you don't have student loans and a vehicle you don't like all that much you'll be paying to much money for for the next 5 years. there is this strange coincidental occurrences that a lot of us all seem to experience frequently. somehow television and the songs on the radio would align so perfectly with our pissy little plights we would have to question briefly if we had some mass psychic influence on the media or some such nonsense. Never mind the fact that the music we listened to constatly was the top 40 hits garbage and it was all just rehashes of the same vague BS that could be applied just as easily to doing chores or homework (who really did their homework at home? or for that matter who really did all that much?)
     Bam. Real world hits you and you stop being such a  self absorbed cunt. you learn that sometimes life is just wierd and you forget that those kinds of things ever happened. that red headed actress with the cute semi raspy voice, said it better in that movie she did, Easy A. check it out sometime its actually good and she is also pretty fun to look at lol.
     I wonder if there is a connection to be self absorbed and noticing shit like that. probably. which is not good since i'm noticing it all over the place.
     Lately I've been being a bit conceded and acting like a dick because it works really great on girls that haven't grown up yet and well look where it's gotten me... nearly cheating on someone, ignoring a nice girl who deserved better, humiliating an ex (that was fun actually), and flaunting all of it to people close to me like its stuff worth being proud of. how far the honest have fallen.
     Is this what new found confidence has brought me to? Am i simply acting out for attention on some subconscious level i don't recognize. Is this healthy? Will i stop anytime soon?
     Why do i bother to ask when i already know. like everyone else, excluding of course many of the mental patients around the world, i choose exactly how i will respond to a given stimulus.
     Fuck it, i don't need to grow up for a while longer yet.

hands of fate and other such nonsense.

Ok so i was going to fuck that girl... but as sir john bear pointed out; imagine that guys perspective. i was ignoring that but it was bugging me cause i've had it done to me. that made me quite conflicted. do i exact revenge on someone else's relationship or do i be the bigger man and let the chain of misery end with me. in the end i decided it wasn't worth it because 1: there are plenty of women and skipping on one hottie isn't gonna hurt me one bit. 2: as much as i would like to be an asshole... i am not and cannot ever truly be one. 3: i should focus on school and not chasing girls
     no more than a day after deciding this and not talking to her anymore i find out from a friend that she doesn't actually have  a boyfriend.... just an extremely clingy ex she tolerates and treats pleasantly  because he works with her father. i decide to let it pass anyways cause im not interested in making waves.
     next day she texts me. out of the blue telling me she really wants to meet up for a walk in the woods tonight. odd but i agree.
     10 30 pm and we are just walking along the bike path and talking about a million different things and i realize that either she is a huge liar or perhaps facebook isnt a reliable source of intel.... honestly at the moment thats a big 50/50 but lets just see what she does. always been a fan of the giving people enough rope to hang themselves method. ultimately dramatic but easy to wash from your hands ya know? ill let you all know what goes down. oh and btw ohio... how bout this awesome weahter?!!?!

A Question for the Masses

So i had over three pages typed out and you know what... fuck that. it's not important. no one really needs to hear why i had a bad weekend suffice to say that it was really bad. curiously enough i nearly had my arm crushed as well by a massive rolling log... besides the point. I'm not gonna go on and on about this.
Instead i have a question for you all since my moral compass is quite misguided lol.

     So the Saturday I'm trying to get over my shitty Friday and i had gone out to rent a movie or two for the family. yes internet people, sometimes there are reasons to still go to the store. for example the highest tier cable internet package available in this hick town is severely unstable and tops out around 450Kbps on a good day. Well, while I'm there i notice for the second time that the cashier is a tall thin blonde with a good sense of style (read: my type) so i decide to chat with her. common stuff ya know. ask her what i should rent. what movies she would recommend and what she has seen recently. I get the impression she is kinda diggin me so after i 2 movies (case 39 and RED) right before I'm ready to walk out i tell her there is a big party next Friday and ask if she has other plans. she says no and so i ask her for her name and number. she jots it down on my receipt and hands it to me with a smile. i leave and don't text her until Monday and ask her if she'd like to go out for dinner and a movie. she's already out but says she would have otherwise. i let it go. next day she texts me just to chat for a bit. Wednesday I'm returning the movies and before i leave i ask if she wants to do anything once she gets off work. she says she has church.... (on a Wednesday?... ok....) but immediately asks me if i could go tonight, Thursday. unfortunately i have to go to the final match of my pool tourney tonight so i have to decline. but we still have the plans for the party tomorrow.

     Sister notices me texting some one a lot and asks who it is. i giver her her first name and describe her and she recognizes the description and gives me her last name. FACEBOOK HO!

     Lets recap real quick shall we?
PROS- attractive, blonde, very polite, loves cats, 18,  doesnt seem to be the clingy type,
CONS- Super religious, unclear plans for the future, 18 (young girls are.... dumber)
SPECIAL NOTE - HAS A BOYFRIEND

wtf is a good little Cristian girl doing wanting to go out with me when she has a boyfriend she claims to love. only be dating him for about a month.seems to be a messed up relationship but hey how much can you really tell from FB creeping right?

so whats the plan guys? avoid the crazy chick? Hit it and quit it? just wonder what you all would do i this particular situation. keep in mind she is very HOT.

yeah...

I'll get around to updating this soon. life has been particularly stressful this weekend. expect a full write up soon. for now... its time to sleep

oh and also this TOTAL EPICNESS

If you don't follow Engadget and some how still consider yourself techno-literate.... well actually that reasonable. i mean its only a news site. but hey they posted this cool article and i swear to you on all that is sacred to me this isn't some cruel trick.

create a new bookmark and use the following code as the link

javascript:var i,s,ss=['http://kathack.com/js/kh.js','http://ajax.googleapis.com/ajax/libs/jquery/1.5.1/jquery.min.js'];
for(i=0;i!=ss.length;i++){s=document.createElement('script');s.src=ss[i];document.body.appendChild(s);}void(0);

 click that link on nearly any page and enjoy a fun surpise!

hey look at this thing here

 
yeah you know what time of year it is again. missed it cause of leap year last year but thats right. its finally arpil fools day again. that means thinkgeek.com rolled out a bunch of nonsense for us to consider wanting. every year they choose a few that gain alot of attention and make real products of them. the image above is probably not going to be one of them for ludacrisly obvious reasons but there is bound to be something that strikes your fancy over there.

     For example i would sell my first and second born for one of these bad boys. ---------->
i mean can you imagine to possibilities? and sadly it is also completely unrealistic at present but hey who knows.... maybe one day

And like how useful would this mofo be?











There is other stuff there too. things having to do with that show Lost, but i don't care about that cause the concept for that show eluded me and i decided to have sex instead of watch and show regularly... oh anyways go check this stuff out.

Insert unifying title here -> no, i'm sleepy, piss off.

Don't know how many of you out there write on a regular basis... but if your like me you find that writing the same way you speak to feel more natural than say writing in proper form for a college professor or the psychological manipulator of a letter i just wrote for my step mother to use on her sons high school superintendent. Always been a very empathic person. A lot of times its good for everyone around me. Chicks dig it and it gets me out of trouble about as much as it gets me into trouble. Some of you will know exactly what i mean by that. For everyone else... be glad you've never had to think your way out of your own facsimile :p
     That being said; when i do write it drives me absolutely insane to do any more than five or six pages where I'm writing in a proper fashion. Well I'm working on a twelve or so page thesis called based on the writing style John Edgar Wideman has used to great success in his... exaggerated might be the correct word to use... accounting of the diverging paths of himself, a Rhodes scholar, and his brother Robby, a convicted accomplice to murder from his life as a small time thug. When i say exaggerated i don't meant that it isn't a true story. More that he fabricated events and situations and concepts of expression necessary to condense complex subject matter into a much more readable form. Not all the details in a story are concrete enough to stand on their own without the billions of supporting asynchronous threads of meaning only known to those so close to the epicenter of the events they are based upon. that got a bit esoteric.... sometimes shit is hard to understand unless you know all the little things that lead up to the shit in question. So a writer has to take liberty with the subject matter. spin it like clay. weave it like thread. mix it like paint. its all the same. A reshaping of the original that holds the same general concept but shifted into a bite sized nugget containing the proper balance of elements to hold the readers interest.
     This can be extremely frustrating to do. sometimes it means dropping details that are important to you as the story teller but ultimately unimportant in the grand scheme of things. A good comparison for this audience might be, while playing just about any mmo you can imagine, grinding xp at some hapless orc refugee camp pushed from their, now troll occupied, war-torn homeland you have amassed a wonderful collection of stacks of smelly leather banana hammocks that can be recycled into useable leather once you get back to your bank where your scissors of plus 3 crinkle cutting lay safely tucked away. and you have completely filled your inventory with these soon to be valuable stacking items when all the sudden one of the little buggers drops a fucking pulsating slightly larger than the racial average wanghammer of mollywopping and well by golly that would be pretty useful for the hybrid high def porno-mancer you have been kicking around in your head since yesterdays all nighter but the level req on it is 69 and you know it would take weeks to get it that high and who knows if it would even be worth the time and this item doesnt really work for any cookie cutter builds so it wont do well in the market. now you have to decide if you drop 2 stacks of 100 sweaty orc thongs to fit this possible useless item in there or leave it lie on that orphans corpse for the next 2 minutes untill the server decides its teased you for long enough.....
     Now that was a fucking tangent eh? well it proper writing thats the kind of shit i would have left out but instead i wrote it cause i felt like it. that would have been like having had the foresight to bring the scissors or a town portal or summon out a guildie/alt to loot mule it back home for you.

     um yeah but like i was saying; its nice to write in spoken text after blasting out a bunch of properly structured nonsense. eventually ill post sections of said thesis. had an interesting idea on how to achieve proper dissociation from the main theme of the whole thing. made a nice little bubble chart from brainstorming it started with the central theme (same as that story i posted earlier actually. that you never really know when something begins) then after i branched out from that as thoroughly as i could i branched yet again from each of the most disparate outliers and once done with that i deleted the original branches from the central theme. leaving me with a lot of things that revolve around one idea but don't quite touch on it. i really think this is the proper strategy for me on this essay. kind of like a degrees of separation thing except it will work in a circle. and only once your read nearly all the fragments will the central idea present itself. but not directly. the reader should just arrive at it. gonna be damn tricky.
     hmmm the sleep aids are kicking in and i have class in a few hours. le sigh.... see you all later
     PS if you clicked refresh to try and load the image... gotcha bitch ^_^

something worth looking into.

Over on listen differently, ExplosiveSex dropped this little musical treat. If you enjoy the kind of music that allows you to really let go of reality and experience a brief moment of life through sound alone... well you really need to take a ride with Explosions in the Sky. I'll let the music speak for itself and get back to writing.

lack of time today...

Hey guys i appreciate hearing the positive feedback and i really enjoy writing for you all. been pretty busy today however. About to head to a Pool Tournament in a moment but expect a new post later tonight.

Based on actual events. Poetic license was taken though.

A Smile Lost

            When does a person become a friend? When do you see a person walking towards you and think to yourself “This is my friend (insert name here), coming to say hello.” There are answers to these questions sure, but the transition from acquaintance to friend is as subtle as the day you realize you can finally see over the counter at McDonald’s. That oh so enlightening moment that a change has occurred that you are only now made aware of and yet it’s clear that things have been this way for some time but the very instant it happened you were entirely oblivious.

            Farah joined our school about 3 weeks in to freshmen year. I should mention that my high school was very small. My class was only about 24 students at the time and I think less than 200 students in the entire building.  While not entirely devoid of social circles, the low student population meant there were no popular kids, band geeks, or drama creepers and so her appearance brought a reaction akin to giving an animal a new toy… cautious observation followed by boundless curiosity and excitement. Much like a cat with a new ball of yarn she would soon find herself being batted about by the sharp claws of high school politics.

A list of adjectives describing her would most certainly not include the word “typical”. Her hair was a dark brown like rich leather with a strike of midnight ebony through it and a shine that would make an Herbal Essence model green with envy. Eyes that blazed with a light of their own that seemed to shift between a brilliant green and a dusky hazel depending on her mood. A smile so fulfilling it could mend the fractures of any soul if it were to grace you daily and so radiant as to ignite your heart that only a snow man wouldn’t want to receive. Her clothing and makeup marked her immediately as different. Dark and ominous, a tapestry of blacks and crimsons and purples, it spoke of personality riddled with secrets.

Farah’s attitude however, was polite and proper, a stark contrast to her decidedly gothic attire. My best friend and I had chosen classes that forced us into a lunch period filled with underclassmen so when we found out that due to the classes she had taken In her previous school she would be in that same period it seemed like a perfect reason to get to know one another. With everyone bombarding her with questions and queries she likely expected the same treatment from us. But we weren’t really interested in her style of clothes or where she came from, only who she really was and if she could handle our particular brand of humor that had gained us no small amount of notoriety among the faculty. When I think back and recall that first conversation the three of us had I think I can see the very moment we three became friends.

“So… Farah is it?” I spoke as the two of us sat down directly across from her. “Yes, and you’re Greg and… I’m sorry I forget your name.” a slight frown beginning to form on her face. “Oh I see how it is. New girl remembers you but not me. Well isn’t that nice.” my friend muttered with his best façade of indignation as he rises from the table and walks away. Momentary shock flashes across her face “Oh! I’m so sorry.” She turns to face me as he disappears around a corner “It’s just hard to keep track of…” mid sentence I cut her off “I’m afraid it’s too late now. He’s already gone and you see the poor guy thought you were beautiful. Just about crushed him I would think.” Her eyelids drop into an almost condescending squint and she looks down her nose at me as she realizes our act “Well anyone who has such a fragile ego as that could never win me anyways.” At that moment my friend returns and reaches over top of her from behind placing a diet Pepsi in front and of me and a Dr Pepper in front of her then moves to retake his seat, his own drink in hand while saying “Win you? Do you fancy yourself some sort of prize? How many box tops or bottle caps do I need to turn in to get you?” Ignoring his jab with a raised eyebrow she replied “What is your name anyways?”  “Kevin.” I replied for him. “Oh are you his puppet? I didn’t see a stick or strings but I suppose he might just have his hand up your ass.” she snapped back playfully. I turn to my friend and hand him a 5 in truth to pay for the drinks but instead I say “Damn. Here you go buddy. You won.” her eyes roll almost audibly and she says “Did you seriously have a bet on me? What did I do?” without missing a beat Kevin says “He thought it would take longer than five minutes to get you to actually act like yourself.” Through a grin I said “Never have I been so glad to lose 5 dollars.” She smiled.

Over the next two school years the three of us became great friends and learned each other’s secrets. When she told us she was gay there was no shocking moment or dramatic tension within our trio, though, a slight stigma towards her developed with our female classmates. She told us it was hilarious that they thought she would molest them or try to date them and rather than lament over the uncomfortable situations that arose from that, we shared many great times comparing each of our own personal romantic conquests loud enough for any to hear. Having her brutally honest opinion and her feminine point of view at our disposal taught us more than a thousand dates ever could and to this day the lessons I learned continue to pay off.

She was always happy and always smiling with us and when summer came the first year it somehow escaped our attention that she disappeared entirely except for a trip the three of us took to cedar point where we finally met her girlfriend who was to the amusement of all of us quite jealous of our friendship. Looking back on those times I also remember that we never met her mother whom she lived with. We never spent time at her home only at my house swimming in the pool that has our hand prints and name etched into the concrete foundation or at Kevin’s lounging on the couch, his mom bought specifically for us, in between games of paintball in the woods with our other friends or the mall/movies using our comedic “telepathy” trying to try impress random strangers. This was our way of life for the rest of freshmen year and the first half of the next as sophomores but sometime after Christmas that year she became very quiet and withdrawn. Sadly, our male perception of her emotions maintained all the accuracy of a New Years Eve partygoer trying to get the key card through the slot on the hotel room door at 4 am with a drink still in their hand. And so it was nearly a week before we realized something was wrong and by then she was over it enough that she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Later I would find out that her mother had hit her and threatened much worse for telling her girlfriend she loved her over the phone. But for now we were firmly seated in our belief it was merely her time of the month and left it at that. Yes I’m fully aware of my stupidity in that situation… hind sight is always 20/20. And this seemingly minor event faded into obscurity over the remainder of the year as things resumed their worn path.

Junior year arrived and we prepared to settle back into the rhythm of high school and still once again we overlooked the fact that Farah had been mostly nonexistent over the summer except for occasional phone calls and IMs. For the first week she was absent and some claimed she had gone to the TCTC. Others said that she had been very ill. Surely, Kevin and I would know, or so everyone thought. But we were both as clueless as a cheerleader in calculus. So naturally I called her that Thursday to find out. Her mom answered her cell. “Who are you and why are you calling my daughter?!” she demanded sounding almost offended. “I’m her friend Greg. I was calling to see how she is and where she’s been.” A sigh of contempt cut short by… pain? “Oh and where were you a month ago?” she nearly yelled it. The panic you feel before you slip on ice, the alarm of terror that races through you when you’re about to receive terrible news, everyone knows the feeling and we all try to brace for it but it’s never enough. Shakily I asked “What happened Miss Spinner?” she explained to me that Farah had attempted to commit suicide by overdosing on pills but had thankfully failed. Once I was finally able to talk with Farah we talked for almost 4 hours straight and she finally unburdened herself to me about the horrible home life she had been living. Her mother was constantly at her throat about her sexuality, abusing her emotionally and at times physically. She had finally gotten the courage, now that she was old enough to have a say in the matter, to request to live with her father who was significantly more accepting. But he lived in Indiana. Though we had promised to stay in touch that phone call was the last any of us ever heard from her. No Email, no IMs, not even a Myspace or Facebook page still to this day. I don’t know her reason for self imposed exile, perhaps she just needed a fresh start, but I will never question her right to it. I’d surrender every memory I have of her, every drama rehearsal every study hall in our private library office, every homecoming dance we shared, just to know she still smiles that smile.

~ Author’s Note ~

Names have been changed to protect personal identities. This story is very near and dear to me. I could never put enough memories into writing to do the image of her justice. The event I wrote about had a profound effect on the person I am today and has shaped my perception of others greatly. My greatest revelation from all that passed between us was of an insight into the things people do for others. Sometimes, without even realizing it, we lie to our friends to protect our relationships. I know without a doubt that had she told us what was happening in her life we could not have changed a thing but would only have been able to give her sympathy which she would never have wanted. She preferred our carefree friendship over the idea of one long pity party. I wish we could have changed things and had we known we certainly would have tried too. Wherever the real Farah is, I hope she can be happy now. Love you R.

stupid college...

ok so i woke up late today (hit the snooze button too hard apparently) and have to rush to get to school in time for my Lit class. I get to the building and I'm jogging for the class room... and when i get there its empty... there isn't a note in sight and nothing written on the smart board. i check my email and see that today was supposed to be in the Comp lab. without checking the rest of my emails i had been ignoring i turn and head for the lab. get there and its empty too! awestruck i stand in the doorway for a moment and start to check my email again. prof went home due to illness... i have hours till my next class so i head for the library (where i am at this very moment typing this) and as i enter i see a notice posted that my math class is also canceled today...  I'm here for no reason today... this is annoying. worse its not even the first time this has happened. hell i don't even have homework to do...

Totally cool blog: Personality types :)

Totally cool blog: Personality types :) found this over on of the blogs im following. cool test that is really surprisingly accurate

just thought id share this

http://www.pixdrop.com/ cool little site for tossing stuff from computer to phone

Love is Hell

 Ever meet some one that you know is probably better than everyone else you have ever been with but for some reason just can't make yourself attracted to them? what the fuck kind of injustice is that? for almost 2 years i met my dream girl. beautiful tall and blonde. eyes neither blue nor green. a crazy personality that just couldn't be contained and the charming quirk that she had almost no shame of any kind lol.

     Well part of her allure was that she was gay. and apparently I'm the kind of idiot that finds the girls that are super difficult to get the most attractive. well after many months of trying being just friends with the occasional benefit since she had a knack for finding really crappy girlfriends. a fight occurred and when i thought i'd never see her again she calls me up to go get dinner with her and tells me she realized she was in love with me all along because the thought of not seeing me again was tearing her to pieces...

     Should have been a happily ever after. for a while it really seamed like it was. life was fucking grand. i had a decent job with decent pay. an '02 jet black mustang convertible, a beautiful nymphomaniac to parade around and a decent house with my best friend that even had an attached garage lol.

     Well life always finds a way to fuck you eh? college got messed up and i couldnt enroll the semester i planned on. so she was going alone. no big deal. well lo and behold she meets a "friend". just some random 27 year old nursing student living in her parents basement who still wears emo clothes and thinks shes unique because she owns a bottle of black nail polish. oh and shes gay... big surprise.

     I'm not the jealous type and i trust my girlfriend with my life so i don't even bat an eye about who she talks to or whatever even when she comes to me and asks me if I'm ok with it i just say "hun, i have no reason not to trust you. i know you know i love you and i know you love me so whats there to worry about?" well I'll tell you what there is to worry about. interfering bitches.

     My girlfriend and i spent so much time together that we didn't take time for our friends anymore and she had had a falling out with her best friend and was missing that connection pretty bad. my friends were just annoyed i was to busy for golf and video games once in a while. ADVICE: always take time for yourselves folks. its important to the health of the relationship. So when she said she was going over to this girls house i was just like "ok have fun babe. <kiss> love ya" and that was it.

     First time was no big deal. the second time though she came straight to my house afterwards and kind of early. shes being quiet and i just know something is wrong so i try to ask her but she doesn't want to talk about it and tries to avoid it. i take her into my room and we lay in bed talking about nothing cause at this point im just trying to relax her. suddenly she pounces on me and plants her face in my chest and starts sobbing quietly. i'm shocked and i ask her whats wrong but she cant answer and only shakes her head. i hold her tightly and and rub her back and start asking questions she can answer that way until i ask her "did she kiss you?" she shook her head yes.

     i don't even say a word as she cries herself out. i just hold her and kiss her cheek and tell her its ok and i love her. after a few minutes she looks me in the eyes and asks if i'm mad. how could i possibly be mad at the girl i love so much? i tell her "no of course i'm not mad. you came to me and told me right away and its clear you don't feel very good about it. i'm definitely not mad." she asks me "do you want me to not talk to her anymore? i'd understand. and i wouldn't even be upset if you asked me to never see her again."

     It is this moment i will probably regret for the rest of my life. what kind of idiot cant see the implications of this answer. i even said that to her at that moment "i have to think about this honey... how can i know that my answer right now either yes or no will take a path that drives us apart. do you really love me?" "more than anything" she replies "can i trust you?" "i swear to you i wont leave you for her" she says. i respond " darling thats only true until it isnt true anymore and then it means nothing..."

     and my mistake.... "i trust you honey. you can still see her. i know you need a friend. just try not to kiss her ok?"

     oh sure she hugged me and we kissed and made promises of love and trust and it was all... pointless. i have no idea how i should have handled the series of events. all i know is that a few weeks later just after a half-iversary (yeah we were lame like that) she becomes silent and distant but wont say why. i may be an idiot but i'm not blind. one Saturday night after a day spent with her family we leave the party early to go watch a movie at her house. we sit on separate couches. i have intentionally not held her hand once all day. it hurts me but i had to be sure. the movie ends. i kneel on the floor beside her as she lays on the couch and i try to hug her but she barely responds. i ask her to talk but she only says she doesn't want to. she sounds cold. her parents have already come home and gone to bed. its time for me to leave. i walk to the door and put my shoes on. waiting for a hug and a good bye kiss. she comes to me and when she puts her arms around me i hug her extra tight and whisper into her ear. "angel.... i was your best friend before we started dating. i've been your best friend all along..... and i swear i'll stay your best friend after...." she breaks down into tears and we spend a few hours finally talking again. it hasn't really hit me just yet.... but i know it will soon. she says she wants to be there for me when it does and tells me that she loves me so much but she needs a break to sort things out. i dont hold the notion for a moment that it will be temporary. we hold eachother crying and kissing and making promises.... she says she'll come see me at my place the next morning and begs me not to do anything stupid on the ride home. she swears nothing will change just that we wont be having sex for a while (i would have given it up forever at this moment and nearly say so but i stop myself because it seems pathetic to even think that something as trivial as sex would matter when i really know that im losing my future with her)

     i ask for one last kiss as i walk to my car. she kisses me and hugs me and says its not the last.... but it really is the last REAL kiss.

     we tried to stay friends. for a while i didnt want to be but she did. and then she decided she didnt want to be and i realized how much it hurt to hear that and flipped back completely for the worse. it didn't help that in this period of time i was a completely insane asshole. being manipulative and pushing buttons i knew would hurt her. it was jealousy. i hated that she was happy even a little while i was in agony dying to talk to her but knowing i couldn't because she was busy with... her. it tears me up inside even today. almost 6 months later and i swear on my grandfather's grave not a day has gone by i dont still think of her.

     but i guess she's happier now. i don't think i was a very good boyfriend but i really don't know. i had a tendency to be late showing up and i feel like the last month or two of our relationship i wasn't trying as hard as once had. that was one promise i made to her i never wanted to break. that i would always try my hardest for her.

     like i said though... she's happier now. or at least i hope so.

     she left me for that girl she had known for less than a month... they got engaged two months later...

she had said once that she felt like her world had fallen apart when we broke up but that everything had fallen back into place and was alot better now. i dont think she knew how much it hurt to hear that but i smiled anyways. thats the thing about loving some one. even when you feel like hell, seeing them happy can still put a smile on you face. read some shit that said "how do you know when you found true love?" and the answer was "when you realize you lost it" truest god damn thing i have ever heard.

     well i was severely depressed after all this and i still don't feel like my old self but somehow i found motivation in all of it. im weird like that i guess. so i turned it around and got myself in pretty great shape. 6 foot tall and now im 195 pounds of primarily muscle and bone. fat content is dropping slow but steady. moved back home and went full time student. i made a lot of new friends and i have it pretty good now i guess. quit my job to start a better one but... things got screwed up with that so i'm on the hunt again. met a girl who treats me with a lot of respect and is probably a better match for me based on her attitude and lack of mood swings and such but i'm jut not clicking with her. shes pretty and honest and smart and courteous and fun. but it just doesn't work.

     in closing if you took the time to read this please feel free to leave your opinion/advice/rage/whatever. i'd like to hear it all actually.

through the looking glass... or something

On a whim decided to get pizza for dinner. problem was i hate ordering delivery for some reason but i couldn't leave without my sister getting home first since she didn't have her key. well i fixed that by just going to where she was and picking her up. long story short her friends join us for the trip and i'm dealing with three 17ish year old girls in the middle of some high school drama on the phone with some other girl. dunno how many of you out there are the kind of big brother i am that always took time to make sure my younger sisters and their friends always had a good time whenever it was in my power to do so but thats just how I've always been. well when i last saw these girls was prolly about a year before i moved out on my own and that was 3 years ago. so put em all around 12 and 13. apparently those 4 years are when everything changes and its just hilarious to see the little kids i used to know that whispered swear words to be cool and didn't wear a hint of make up acting a bit like the girls i knew back in high school. was glad to see they retained their character ( food fight in the restaurant and incredibly weird senses of humor ) but very surreal also seeing the changes in them. like looking at the progression of an as yet unfinished painting. all in all a surprisingly fun sunday night

Left Field

So i know a lot of folks play the popular MMOs like WOW and RIFT and all that and i certainly don't expect anyone to leave their current for what i play but if you have some spare time.... which if your reading this you apparently have far too much of it lol, then take a minute to check out the shadowbane emulator project it came out way back in may 2003 and its official servers have since been closed. but a dedicated team has built a new server framework and is even working on a new client eventually. much effort has been made by theses devs to be able to do this and remain legal. the game is basically a mouse click movement, PVP oriented, super customizable class system, non potion spamming, minimal safezone having, gank fest with decent speed leveling and a very well built economy. oh and all but a few cities in the game are run by players. at the moment the user friendliness of it all is pretty low.... but hey just letting people know it exists. its one of those games the gives a true rush unlike a lot of others when you kill another player.

My preferred way of tipping anymore lol.

well...

I suppose it was only a matter of time before i started a journal of some sort. I hope i can stay motivated about this actually. College takes up a lot of time and well... damn if I'm not just a bit lazy with it all haha.